Humor: Bush and God
George W. Bush dies after a fatal walking accident.
He decides to try his luck and struts right up to God's office and knocks on the door.
God opens the door.
GOD: Hello George, what are you doing here? Surely you must have taken a wrong turning when you left Earth.
GWB: Hell no, Lord! I've come to claim ma rightful place up here in heaven, right next to you an' that favourite philoph.. Phisoloph.. Philoloph.. Oh you know, that guy Jesus whose work I promoted during my time as president.
GOD: Promoted? Explain.
GWB: Well Ah said that he was my favourite phisoloph.. er Philol.. er thinker. Yeah. Someone once asked me who my favourite thinker was an' Ah said Jesus ‘cos he changed ma life.
GOD: That's all very fine and fruity George but you seem to have forgotten that up here in heaven, we don't look at the words you speak in your life, we look at your actions. So tell me, how did you apply my Son's philosophy to your life?
GWB: Well Ah wenna church every Sunday. I've even got the news reports on CNN and FOX News to prove it.
GOD: We don't get CNN here George. It seems all the AOL/TimeWarner reps who tried to sell us that channel spontaneously combusted whenever they entered my office. And FOX News was removed from our comedy channel years ago. Their spin was becoming too offensive. And anyway, going to church every Sunday won't guarantee you a place in heaven. I need results George. Show me some hard data on what you did for the human race during your life.
GWB: Well ah got rid a thousands of those evil no-good terr'ists who wanted to harm our way of life in Amerka.
GOD: which terrorists do you mean exactly?
GWB: Ya know, those terr'ists down in Eye-rack
GOD: George, you know very well that there were no terrorists in Iraq before you invaded it. I’ll be the first to admit that we had a little problem with the leader there, but I can assure you that there were no America-hating terrorists there at the time. The country I placed under your stewardship was under no threat from Iraq.
GWB: Holy shit Lord! Dick Donny and Karl assured me that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and was even planning more attacks!
GOD: Saddam had nothing to do with 9/11. You even admitted that on TV don’t you remember? As for the real perpetrators, well, that’s another story altogether. I’ve heard through the grapevine that JFK here wants to talk to you about that. I’ll see if I can set up some kind of video conference with hell when you get there. Would sure love to see your face when you hear what we’ve been hearing about 9/11.
Oh and that reminds me, there’s something else I wanted to talk to you about. During your term as Governor of Texas, your fondness for the death penalty rather perturbed me. I noticed that during your 5 years as governor there you approved more executions than any other state at the time. What was it they called you? The Texecutioner? I had so hoped that you would review many of those convictions, many of which were shaky to say the least. I only know how many of those executed might have been innocent in the first place. Did you ever stop to think about that George?
GWB: Er, could you repeat that Lord? There were a few too many words there for me?
GOD: Very well. I’ll phrase it more simply for you: Why do you like killing so much, George?
GWB: Hey don’t look at me! I was simply upholding the constitution of the United States of Amerka and our beloved Texas State constitution. I faithfully executed the office of governor during my term in Texas.
GOD: And a good number of other less fortunate individuals too, it seems…
GWB: They were all criminals Lord. Rapists, armed robbers, murderers! They killed people! Just like that!
GOD: Quite.
GWB: So how about it Lord? You gotta let me in, here.
GOD: As I said Dubya, show me some results. Hard data about what you did for the human race.
Did you for example raise the general level of spirituality amongst your public? Did you increase the LOVE George? You know, Barry White and all that.
GWB: Barry White?
GOD: Yeah, he da man, Dude! Didn’t ya just love him?
GWB: What?
GOD: The Voice, George! The Voice!
GWB: Er, wasn’t that Sinatra?
GOD: No, no no. All he ever did was sing about doing it his own way. Never said anything about Mine. And anyway, we finally lost him to the mafia. No, Barry was definitely my Main Man.
GWB: I can’t believe what I’m hearing.
GOD: Funny, I remember Barry’s mom saying exactly the same thing the morning his voice broke!
GWB: Well I dunno Lord. I always went to church on Sundays and prayed for your guidance. Didn’t you hear me?
GOD: Of course I did, George. And I always answered your questions.
GWB: How come I never heard you then?
GOD: I guess you never took the time to listen. You see George, when you ask Me for guidance, you have to know how to listen for My answers. Don’t expect me to send them by post or email. You have to take time to hear My replies. They come in your quiet moments, when you’re free of all distractions.
GWB: You mean as voices in my head? Jeez, I had loads of those during my presidency! Was that you all the time?
GOD: No George, that was Karl speaking into your earpiece. So come on George, tell me what you did in your life.
GWB: Well I worked real hard during my time as president God.
GOD: Nonsense. Half-way through your second term you’d already beaten that B-movie actor Reagan’s record-breaking total of days off at home. At least he had an excuse. He was nearly 70 when he started his first term and Nancy was running the show anyway by the time he started his second! Oh yes, and how hard were you working when Andy Card told you your country was under attack, huh? I send you down there to take care of this great land of opportunity, someone starts attacking you big time and all you can do is just sit there like a bored schoolboy wondering if this was still part of the script they handed you that morning! Hard work indeed. Give me something else.
GWB: Er, well I was always telling it like it is Lord. They always said I spoke the truth.
GOD: Oh puh-lease George, I know you only ever read the words they gave you parrot fashion without ever knowing what they were saying, but didn’t you ever take the time to ask what it was you were actually talking about? You know it sure would have helped you at those press conferences every time your earpiece signal got jammed. No George, you actually lied most of the time I’m sorry to tell you. I know it might come as a shock but you were going to have to find out sooner or later and now is certainly as good a time as ever.
GWB: Well Clinton lied too, God!
GOD: Yes but he managed to worm his way out of it in real style. He went so far as to argue about the meaning of the word ‘is’! To be! Being! The most fundamental aspect of this whole universe I made! The act of being! And Bill comes right along and brings the whole thing into doubt! Unbelievable! Man, if only he knew what he’s caused up here since he said that. The philosophers don’t know what’s hit them. They’ve been at each others throats ever since! And Descartes has been working non-stop on a new theory.
GWB: Who?
GOD: Descartes. You know, "I think therefore I am", George. (pause) ...On second thoughts, no, forget it. But Descartes has been busy I can tell you. And he’s now come out with the complete opposite of his original theory! What is it now? 'I think therefore I am NOT!' You should have seen it when he gave Socrates his theory to check it for errors. I should have seen it coming actually but hey, there’s a first time for everything. Socrates was reading it through. He reaches the last section and suddenly vanishes in a cloud of reverse logic. Plato was a bit miffed I can tell you. Descartes really let the shit hit the fan with that one. Mind you, when you see what his new theory implies for those who ARE and you look at the current state of Earth, I have to admit he might be onto something.
GWB: How do you mean?
GOD: Never mind. Now, I believe you wanted to tell me how you’ve earned your place here.
GWB: Well, I enacted tons of laws to protect our environment. I mean, we’ve now got the Clear Skies initiative, and I enacted laws to reduce green house gas intensity around the world.
GOD: Come on George, that was a deal that you thrashed out with the big energy corporations. And you know how concerned they are about the environment. What happened to the Kyoto agreement?
GWB: You know I couldn’t have signed that agreement Lord. That would have led to measures that would throw millions of my citizens out of work. And you wouldn’t want my people poor and destitute now would you God?
GOD: Yes George, but what’s the point of keeping all your people employed if they ultimately have no earth on which to live? Think about it. You seem to have got your priorities wrong. Take care of Mother Earth first. Then I can make sure that your people are taken care of on a global scale, including those of your country!
GWB: Hell, I never thought about it that way God.
GOD: No that’s right. But I’m still waiting George. I need to know what you accomplished during your lifetime on Earth. Especially in this period. There’s enough hate going round the world at the moment my son. I’m specifically looking for people who tried to reverse this trend during their lifetime. It’s really very simple. There’s only one question to ask yourself at the end of your life. Did your actions spread love or did they spread hate? The net effect of all your accumulated actions. Come on, don’t be shy. You can tell me everything. What did YOU do to help? Did you get your subjects to show more respect and kindness towards each other? Did you try to fight hate with love? Did you give the hate no chance to spread?
GWB: Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down Lord, please. Too many questions!
GOD: OK. I understand. I’ll put it simply: How did you spread the love George?
GWB: Er, the what?
GOD: The LOVE! Did you make love your main thing?
GWB: Oh, you mean sex Lord?
GOD: Unlikely George, but I suppose that is one way.
GWB: Oh no, I’m not supposed to tell anyone about that Lord.
GOD: George, you can tell me everything.
GWB: Well, I do remember Condi getting all physical with me in the oval office one evening. Man, she could really make a man beg for it! Does that count in spreading the love God?
GOD: Unfortunately not. Condi’s amorous advances towards you were actually nothing more than a sneaky plan put into place by your friend Karl.
GWB: What?
GOD: Yes George. Karl knew that Condi would do anything to become Secretary of State. So, in true Rove fashion, he told her the only way she could get the job would be by agreeing to have sex with you and letting him watch through a one-way mirror. He’s like that you know. Always spying on everyone from the shadows.
GWB: Shit! You mean Karl pimped my Rice?!?!
GOD: I suppose that’s one way of putting it, yes.
GWB: Shit! But how… Oh no! That means he must have got to Laura too, then!
GOD: No George, Laura was your wife.
GWB: Oh yeah.
GOD: So, George, I think we’ve more or less wrapped this up don’t you think?
GWB: Yeah, Lord. You’re gonna let me in right? I mean, I tried my best at being a good president. I really did.
GOD: Well I don’t know. Although… I have to admit, in some respects you really did increase the amount of joy in the world.
GWB: I did?
GOD: Yes George. The world of comedy and humour has been enormously enriched by your time on Earth. And I can tell you, in this day and age, humour is not something to be taken lightly.
GWB: Uh, yeah! Exactly Lord! That’s it! I did good after all. Come on, please! I promise I’ll do anything you want. Please Oh please God! I’ll be good. I’ll be real good!
GOD: Oh, alright George. Congratulations then. You made it. Come inside and we can get started on the paperwork.
GWB: So I get to come in God? Ya really mean it? Oh thank you God! You won’t regret this. I promise.
GOD: Oh I know George. I know.
George walks into God’s office and sits down.
Meanwhile, God seems to be going through a sudden and unexpected metamorphosis. All of a sudden, a trident appears in his left hand, his feet turn into hooves, a pointed tail grows from under his robes and 2 horns emerge on either side of his forehead. A smirk slowly spreads across his face:
"There’s only one thing I like more than admitting new souls into hell, and that’s making them beg for it! Mwa ha ha ha ha…."
He decides to try his luck and struts right up to God's office and knocks on the door.
God opens the door.
GOD: Hello George, what are you doing here? Surely you must have taken a wrong turning when you left Earth.
GWB: Hell no, Lord! I've come to claim ma rightful place up here in heaven, right next to you an' that favourite philoph.. Phisoloph.. Philoloph.. Oh you know, that guy Jesus whose work I promoted during my time as president.
GOD: Promoted? Explain.
GWB: Well Ah said that he was my favourite phisoloph.. er Philol.. er thinker. Yeah. Someone once asked me who my favourite thinker was an' Ah said Jesus ‘cos he changed ma life.
GOD: That's all very fine and fruity George but you seem to have forgotten that up here in heaven, we don't look at the words you speak in your life, we look at your actions. So tell me, how did you apply my Son's philosophy to your life?
GWB: Well Ah wenna church every Sunday. I've even got the news reports on CNN and FOX News to prove it.
GOD: We don't get CNN here George. It seems all the AOL/TimeWarner reps who tried to sell us that channel spontaneously combusted whenever they entered my office. And FOX News was removed from our comedy channel years ago. Their spin was becoming too offensive. And anyway, going to church every Sunday won't guarantee you a place in heaven. I need results George. Show me some hard data on what you did for the human race during your life.
GWB: Well ah got rid a thousands of those evil no-good terr'ists who wanted to harm our way of life in Amerka.
GOD: which terrorists do you mean exactly?
GWB: Ya know, those terr'ists down in Eye-rack
GOD: George, you know very well that there were no terrorists in Iraq before you invaded it. I’ll be the first to admit that we had a little problem with the leader there, but I can assure you that there were no America-hating terrorists there at the time. The country I placed under your stewardship was under no threat from Iraq.
GWB: Holy shit Lord! Dick Donny and Karl assured me that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and was even planning more attacks!
GOD: Saddam had nothing to do with 9/11. You even admitted that on TV don’t you remember? As for the real perpetrators, well, that’s another story altogether. I’ve heard through the grapevine that JFK here wants to talk to you about that. I’ll see if I can set up some kind of video conference with hell when you get there. Would sure love to see your face when you hear what we’ve been hearing about 9/11.
Oh and that reminds me, there’s something else I wanted to talk to you about. During your term as Governor of Texas, your fondness for the death penalty rather perturbed me. I noticed that during your 5 years as governor there you approved more executions than any other state at the time. What was it they called you? The Texecutioner? I had so hoped that you would review many of those convictions, many of which were shaky to say the least. I only know how many of those executed might have been innocent in the first place. Did you ever stop to think about that George?
GWB: Er, could you repeat that Lord? There were a few too many words there for me?
GOD: Very well. I’ll phrase it more simply for you: Why do you like killing so much, George?
GWB: Hey don’t look at me! I was simply upholding the constitution of the United States of Amerka and our beloved Texas State constitution. I faithfully executed the office of governor during my term in Texas.
GOD: And a good number of other less fortunate individuals too, it seems…
GWB: They were all criminals Lord. Rapists, armed robbers, murderers! They killed people! Just like that!
GOD: Quite.
GWB: So how about it Lord? You gotta let me in, here.
GOD: As I said Dubya, show me some results. Hard data about what you did for the human race.
Did you for example raise the general level of spirituality amongst your public? Did you increase the LOVE George? You know, Barry White and all that.
GWB: Barry White?
GOD: Yeah, he da man, Dude! Didn’t ya just love him?
GWB: What?
GOD: The Voice, George! The Voice!
GWB: Er, wasn’t that Sinatra?
GOD: No, no no. All he ever did was sing about doing it his own way. Never said anything about Mine. And anyway, we finally lost him to the mafia. No, Barry was definitely my Main Man.
GWB: I can’t believe what I’m hearing.
GOD: Funny, I remember Barry’s mom saying exactly the same thing the morning his voice broke!
GWB: Well I dunno Lord. I always went to church on Sundays and prayed for your guidance. Didn’t you hear me?
GOD: Of course I did, George. And I always answered your questions.
GWB: How come I never heard you then?
GOD: I guess you never took the time to listen. You see George, when you ask Me for guidance, you have to know how to listen for My answers. Don’t expect me to send them by post or email. You have to take time to hear My replies. They come in your quiet moments, when you’re free of all distractions.
GWB: You mean as voices in my head? Jeez, I had loads of those during my presidency! Was that you all the time?
GOD: No George, that was Karl speaking into your earpiece. So come on George, tell me what you did in your life.
GWB: Well I worked real hard during my time as president God.
GOD: Nonsense. Half-way through your second term you’d already beaten that B-movie actor Reagan’s record-breaking total of days off at home. At least he had an excuse. He was nearly 70 when he started his first term and Nancy was running the show anyway by the time he started his second! Oh yes, and how hard were you working when Andy Card told you your country was under attack, huh? I send you down there to take care of this great land of opportunity, someone starts attacking you big time and all you can do is just sit there like a bored schoolboy wondering if this was still part of the script they handed you that morning! Hard work indeed. Give me something else.
GWB: Er, well I was always telling it like it is Lord. They always said I spoke the truth.
GOD: Oh puh-lease George, I know you only ever read the words they gave you parrot fashion without ever knowing what they were saying, but didn’t you ever take the time to ask what it was you were actually talking about? You know it sure would have helped you at those press conferences every time your earpiece signal got jammed. No George, you actually lied most of the time I’m sorry to tell you. I know it might come as a shock but you were going to have to find out sooner or later and now is certainly as good a time as ever.
GWB: Well Clinton lied too, God!
GOD: Yes but he managed to worm his way out of it in real style. He went so far as to argue about the meaning of the word ‘is’! To be! Being! The most fundamental aspect of this whole universe I made! The act of being! And Bill comes right along and brings the whole thing into doubt! Unbelievable! Man, if only he knew what he’s caused up here since he said that. The philosophers don’t know what’s hit them. They’ve been at each others throats ever since! And Descartes has been working non-stop on a new theory.
GWB: Who?
GOD: Descartes. You know, "I think therefore I am", George. (pause) ...On second thoughts, no, forget it. But Descartes has been busy I can tell you. And he’s now come out with the complete opposite of his original theory! What is it now? 'I think therefore I am NOT!' You should have seen it when he gave Socrates his theory to check it for errors. I should have seen it coming actually but hey, there’s a first time for everything. Socrates was reading it through. He reaches the last section and suddenly vanishes in a cloud of reverse logic. Plato was a bit miffed I can tell you. Descartes really let the shit hit the fan with that one. Mind you, when you see what his new theory implies for those who ARE and you look at the current state of Earth, I have to admit he might be onto something.
GWB: How do you mean?
GOD: Never mind. Now, I believe you wanted to tell me how you’ve earned your place here.
GWB: Well, I enacted tons of laws to protect our environment. I mean, we’ve now got the Clear Skies initiative, and I enacted laws to reduce green house gas intensity around the world.
GOD: Come on George, that was a deal that you thrashed out with the big energy corporations. And you know how concerned they are about the environment. What happened to the Kyoto agreement?
GWB: You know I couldn’t have signed that agreement Lord. That would have led to measures that would throw millions of my citizens out of work. And you wouldn’t want my people poor and destitute now would you God?
GOD: Yes George, but what’s the point of keeping all your people employed if they ultimately have no earth on which to live? Think about it. You seem to have got your priorities wrong. Take care of Mother Earth first. Then I can make sure that your people are taken care of on a global scale, including those of your country!
GWB: Hell, I never thought about it that way God.
GOD: No that’s right. But I’m still waiting George. I need to know what you accomplished during your lifetime on Earth. Especially in this period. There’s enough hate going round the world at the moment my son. I’m specifically looking for people who tried to reverse this trend during their lifetime. It’s really very simple. There’s only one question to ask yourself at the end of your life. Did your actions spread love or did they spread hate? The net effect of all your accumulated actions. Come on, don’t be shy. You can tell me everything. What did YOU do to help? Did you get your subjects to show more respect and kindness towards each other? Did you try to fight hate with love? Did you give the hate no chance to spread?
GWB: Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down Lord, please. Too many questions!
GOD: OK. I understand. I’ll put it simply: How did you spread the love George?
GWB: Er, the what?
GOD: The LOVE! Did you make love your main thing?
GWB: Oh, you mean sex Lord?
GOD: Unlikely George, but I suppose that is one way.
GWB: Oh no, I’m not supposed to tell anyone about that Lord.
GOD: George, you can tell me everything.
GWB: Well, I do remember Condi getting all physical with me in the oval office one evening. Man, she could really make a man beg for it! Does that count in spreading the love God?
GOD: Unfortunately not. Condi’s amorous advances towards you were actually nothing more than a sneaky plan put into place by your friend Karl.
GWB: What?
GOD: Yes George. Karl knew that Condi would do anything to become Secretary of State. So, in true Rove fashion, he told her the only way she could get the job would be by agreeing to have sex with you and letting him watch through a one-way mirror. He’s like that you know. Always spying on everyone from the shadows.
GWB: Shit! You mean Karl pimped my Rice?!?!
GOD: I suppose that’s one way of putting it, yes.
GWB: Shit! But how… Oh no! That means he must have got to Laura too, then!
GOD: No George, Laura was your wife.
GWB: Oh yeah.
GOD: So, George, I think we’ve more or less wrapped this up don’t you think?
GWB: Yeah, Lord. You’re gonna let me in right? I mean, I tried my best at being a good president. I really did.
GOD: Well I don’t know. Although… I have to admit, in some respects you really did increase the amount of joy in the world.
GWB: I did?
GOD: Yes George. The world of comedy and humour has been enormously enriched by your time on Earth. And I can tell you, in this day and age, humour is not something to be taken lightly.
GWB: Uh, yeah! Exactly Lord! That’s it! I did good after all. Come on, please! I promise I’ll do anything you want. Please Oh please God! I’ll be good. I’ll be real good!
GOD: Oh, alright George. Congratulations then. You made it. Come inside and we can get started on the paperwork.
GWB: So I get to come in God? Ya really mean it? Oh thank you God! You won’t regret this. I promise.
GOD: Oh I know George. I know.
George walks into God’s office and sits down.
Meanwhile, God seems to be going through a sudden and unexpected metamorphosis. All of a sudden, a trident appears in his left hand, his feet turn into hooves, a pointed tail grows from under his robes and 2 horns emerge on either side of his forehead. A smirk slowly spreads across his face:
"There’s only one thing I like more than admitting new souls into hell, and that’s making them beg for it! Mwa ha ha ha ha…."
posted by Eric V. at 11:43 PM
3 comments
